Gangs Deeply Offended by Depiction in West Side Story

“The ballet we do uses way more Pirouettes and not nearly as much syncopation,” says Jesus Alvarez, notorious hitman for the MS-13, currently on trial for thirteen murders and twelve rapes. “We would never rely on such belligerent staccato.”

“It’s crazy how unrealistic West Side Story is,” said head of The Latin Kings Antonio Fernandez. “Initiation into our gang means mastering all 32 fouettés en tournant in Swan Lake as well as murdering one random person on the street. This musical couldn’t be more inaccurate.”