Safe Sex in The Age of Roe v Wade Being Overturned

The other night I was about to have sex with someone when I realized I didn’t have any condoms left. So I had to spring downstairs to the bodega on the corner of my street.

I hate purchasing condoms from this Bodega because a 10 year old boy typically works behind the counter and asking for condoms from him feels like something punishable to 3 to 10 years.

So I go inside and of course he’s still behind the counter. There are also eight other people in the store, which I find excruciatingly embarrassing. Because it’s almost midnight. I’m clearly not prepping for a future date. When they see me ask for condoms they’re all going to know there is currently a naked, angry woman in my bed getting dryer by the second.

It’s my turn in line.

I go up to the ten-year-old boy and whisper I need condoms which makes it sound even creepier. He nods awkwardly. (Does he even know what they’re for? Was it my place to teach him about safe sex before his parents can? Why is he working so late at this fucking store?)

“What kind?” he asks.

“Ultra- Ribbed,” I say shamefully, half-expecting Chris Hanson to pop out from behind the counter at any moment.

He goes over to the get the condoms but they are locked behind glass because of the huge overlap between people who break into stores and have safe, responsible sex.

He motions for his Dad who starts walking over.

I breathe a sigh of relief, as it was my hope all along to involve the entire family in my sexual journey.

“What condoms do you want”, the Dad asks extremely loudly.

Everyone looks in my direction.

Oh, he’s about to have sex, they all say with their eyes.

This is awful. I can’t stand this. I need to get out of here.

“Just give me whichever.”

This level of freedom stops him in his tracks, which I get. It is a tad overfamiliar to ask the owner of a bodega you sometimes frequent to decide which condoms are right for you.

What’s he going to say: “Well clearly not Magnums…From the looks of you, I’m gonna go with the Condoms that prevent Premature Ejaculation.”

“Which ones do you want?” he asks again, refusing the responsibility.

“Ultra-Ribbed!”

“Ultra what?”

“Just give me any”-

“Any.”

“You want me”-

“JUST GIVE ME A PACK OF CONDOMS PLEASE. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHICH ONE. I JUST NEED THIS EXCHANGE TO BE OVER.”

Finally he sells me a random pack of condoms and I race back upstairs and roll one over my dick and Goddamnit…

It does matter.

Because I unwittingly purchased the dry, non-lubricated condoms, which I can only assume are for men who want to feel the unique sensation of raping a corpse.

Who is that cocky that they’re purchasing dry, non-lubricated condoms? (“Oh, she’ll be wet.”)

I try to put it on but it’s the wrong way and my penis is deflating like an Inflatable Man in a hail storm.

So I just have unprotected sex and feel gratitude I live in a place where abortion is legal.

I don’t condone it, and certainly wouldn’t say it’s responsible, but compared to forcing a 10 year old whose been raped to have a child, it’s pretty low on the list.

Let the dudes who break into stores worry about having safe sex.